I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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