Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
