Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
