I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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