If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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