Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
