WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
