Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
