im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
