I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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