Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
