I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
