I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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