He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
