Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
