He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
