We're like a lot better than the average bears
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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