I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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