I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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