If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
