So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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