So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
