Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
