I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
