We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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