Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
We got so high we made milksteak
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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