Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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