There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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