The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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