I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
