They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize