God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
