You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Randomize
