I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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