I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
