Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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