I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
