Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
The best revenge is premature balding
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Randomize
