Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize