Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
True strength comes from lack of pants
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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