does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
