why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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