I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
