But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
