upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I've blown a few things in my day
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
