i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
