I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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