Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
