I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
