i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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