update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
