I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
