would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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