Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
