90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
