Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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