I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
birth control should be required to get into college
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
