How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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