bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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